Direction

I went out to eat the other night with some friends and had kind of an eye opening experience. One of the people there was a young girl whom I’ve known since she was about five. She’s now in her early twenties and is currently completing her student teaching. We were all quizzing her and asking what she was going to do when she finished up… basically what her plans were for the future. She handled all the questions very well and answered everything very confidently but then she turned to me and said “So what are your plans, what are your goals, what are your dreams, where do you see yourself in five years… hmmmmm”? I didn’t think much about it at the time and just answered, “Oh, I’m never going to grow up and be responsible… I’m just going to be a bum the rest of my life… you know, just hang out and drink beer all the time”. Everyone got a kick out of that and agreed that’s what they were going to do too and we all had a big toast. After I got home though, I thought about what I said and that’s when I realized… possibly for the first time in my life, I really don’t have any plans, any goals… any dreams. A year ago I thought I knew where I was headed but somebody else made a decision that pretty much changed everything for me and I just never took the time to set a new course. For as long as I can remember I’ve been very much a creature of habit, a very structured and organized person. Always trying to figure out what the plan was and where I fit in. I thought things out, took everything into consideration and then tried to make the best possible decisions. Right now… I really am just hanging out and drinking beer all the time. I don’t have any plans or any goals and I’m not really looking forward to anything in particular. I’m not going anywhere… I don’t have any direction. That probably explains why I’ve done some of the things I’ve done over the past several months, things I normally don’t do. So I’ve sat down and came up with a new plan… not very extensive or detailed at this point, but a plan nonetheless. It’s time for me to quit wasting my time and have a nice life. I’m still not sure exactly where it is that I’m going… but I do know where I am not going.

Alcohol

As bad as I hate to admit it, alcohol has become my best friend again. It understands me when I’ve had a bad day, it listens when I just need to talk and it helps me to forget about the things I should forget about… but can’t seem to. I don’t think it’s a serious problem yet, but I am starting to get a little concerned. I don’t turn to alcohol every day but I find myself looking for a way out a lot more often. I’ve been “participating” all afternoon today. I used to drink when I was happy to have a good time but I’ve discovered as a lot of others have that alcohol helps with other things. Yeah I know that the problem is still there once you sober up but for that brief period of time before you pass out, you get a little peace of mind… you don’t worry about the things that are troubling you. This phase like all others will pass I guess but for now I think I’ll just have another drink. At this point it’s just easier that way. I’ll pass out in a little while and be at ease because I won’t be able to focus on anything at all. I know that tomorrow morning when I wake up though, I’ll be right back to where I left off today. That’s the vicious cycle of abuse. Everything in moderation is what I’ve always heard… but sometimes that's really hard to do. I guess I’d better go set my alarm now so I can get up tomorrow.

Truths

1. The most important relationship in your life is your relationship with God.
2. You should spend as much time as you possibly can with the ones you love.
3. You should never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom
4. You have to like yourself before you can expect others to like you.
5. No matter how hard you try or how much you give, sometimes it's just not enough.
6. You should never be ashamed to cry.
7. Someone who is nice to you but not nice to others is really not a nice person.
8. You should drink plenty of water.
9. Don't send flowers to a funeral… take flowers to that person while they are still able to enjoy them.
10. Even if you really don't care, take the time to listen to what others have to say.
11. If you feel guilty about something, do everything you can to make it right.
12. You should always buy good shoes and buy good tires.
13. A hug is an inexpensive gift but it can be the most valuable gift you can give someone.
14. Forgiveness can be instantaneous, but forgetting can take a lifetime.
15. If you don't know the answers… ask.
16. You can lie to everybody else and get away with it… but you can't lie to yourself.
17. Don't be too proud to admit when you have made a mistake.
18. Everyone should appreciate the time that they have alone.
19. Life is way too short to be unhappy.
20. Over time, people don't really change that much at all.
21. It's not better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.
22. You shouldn't be afraid of death.
23. You can always find the time to smile.
24. Hatred will destroy anything and everything it touches.
25. Most of the people driving down the road should have never been given a license in the first place.
26. You shouldn't punish someone for something that someone else did to you
27. A real friend will tell you the truth… no matter what.
28. Praying really does help.
29. You shouldn't save things for a special occasion… enjoy them now.
30. The good guy doesn't always win.
31. Second chances should be given because they're deserved, not because they're expected.
32. Most people aren't what they initially appear to be.
33. You should eat when you get hungry and rest when you get tired.
34. No matter what you say or do, someone will always take it the wrong way.
35. Keeping relevant information to yourself is exactly the same as speaking a lie.
36. You don't always get back what you put into something.
37. Some of the people you think are your friends are really just using you.
38. If you tell someone you'll do something then you should do it.
39. A successful relationship takes equal effort and commitment from both sides.
40. No matter how big or how small, everyone has a secret they're hiding from everybody.
41. It's possible to be so very happy and so very sad at the exact same time.

Decisions

There are a lot of factors that influence your life on a day to day basis. The activities that you participate in, the places that you travel to, the people that surround you, … all of these elements combine together to shape your identity. Good or bad, right or wrong, it’s who you are and it’s how others will perceive you. Although you can’t control what these outside forces will do, you still have one thing on your side that will give you a little control over the direction that your life will take… the ability to make decisions. You are faced with decisions that you have to make every single day. If you don’t want to do something, don’t do it. If you don’t want to go somewhere, don’t go. If you don’t like the people around you, change them. It’s your decision. Sounds simple enough… but sometimes you can take for granted the results of your decisions. You can get caught up in the “it’s all about me” or “nobody is going to tell me what to do” frame of mind. You sometimes focus more on the short term gratification rather than taking a look at the long term consequences. Not only do the decisions that you make influence your own life, but they can also be that outside force in someone else’s life. Think about it, something you do or say today could change the course of someone else’s life tomorrow. That’s a pretty big responsibility to have. Sometimes you will make good decisions and sometimes you will make bad decisions. You may not ever see or realize or even care about the results of your decisions… but the results do exist. The results are real.

Secrets

What do you do with a secret? I guess it depends on how you obtained the information as to whether you should tell it or keep it. Were you told not to tell anyone or did you just overhear a conversation that you shouldn’t have. Maybe it’s the content of the secret that is the deciding factor. Is it a big secret or just a little one. Is it about someone you know or is it about a total stranger. Maybe it’s simply a moral issue. By telling what you know, it could hurt someone bad… or by telling what you know, it could prevent someone from getting hurt as bad. I have a dilemma. I am the owner of a secret and I’ve been struggling with what to do with it for over a week now. I wasn’t told not to tell anyone and as of right now, I’ve not told a soul and I don’t know if I will. I don’t know if I can. I don’t know if I should even try. I really don’t know what I'm going to with it at all. My first instinct was to go straight the person the secret is about and tell them because it pissed me off… but they’ve made that a very difficult task. Then I thought I would tell one of their friends and have them tell. But I don’t know who their friends are anymore. It’s kind of a no win situation all the way around. They’re probably going to find out most of it eventually whether I say anything or not and it’s going to hurt whether it happens now or later. It resembles a cross between karma and deja vu. They’ve created this whole situation pretty much all by themselves and it looks like it’s going to come full circle. I guess it’s really none of my business anymore and I would probably end up just causing a huge problem for myself more than anything. I think I’ve finally decided the best thing for me to do is just keep my mouth shut and try to forget what I know. There is one secret I can share with everyone... Be careful when you start burning your bridges. You never know when you might need something from the other side.

Friend

Noun

1. A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts.
2. One who is attached to another by affection or esteem.
3. A person with whom one is allied in a struggle or cause.
4. One who supports, sympathizes with, or patronizes a group.


What is your definition of a friend? Mine would be very similar to the ones listed above. A friend would be someone I would know very well, I would like being around and I would be able to trust. I would probably add that a friend would be someone I could depend on and someone I could respect. Someone I could share my successes as well as my failures with. Someone I could talk to about anything, no matter how difficult or how painful the topic. True friends are very hard to come by and it appears they’re even harder to hang on to. Everybody seems to have his or her own agenda nowadays. If you don’t do exactly what they want, or say exactly what they want to hear, or give them exactly what they need, or if you even question anything they do… they’re gone. They have no use for you anymore. I don’t think this is how true friends are really supposed to treat each other. Think about it for a minute… how many of your friends are really truly your friends. They accept you for what you are, who you are, how you are and where you are in life. They don’t really require anything from you at all, but they would do anything in the world they could for you. How many of your friends would you feel completely comfortable calling up in the middle of the night just because you wanted someone to talk to. How many of your friends can actually help you to become a better you. It's a pretty short list isn’t it...
If you want to have a true friend, you first have to be a true friend.

Disappointment

I’ve done a lot of thinking lately and I’m starting to realize what this bad feeling I have is and is not about. It’s not about me being happy… for the most part I was happy before, I was happy during and now, I’m happy after. It’s not about me being a failure… I’ve not been successful at everything I’ve done in the past and I don’t expect to be successful at everything I do in the future although I will continue to try. It’s not about loss either… People are always going to come and go in and out of your life for one reason or another by their choice or by yours. That’s just how things are. I’m thinking this is more about my disappointment in people’s attitudes and how they treat each other. There is nothing wrong with taking care of your own needs and wants… looking out for number one as they say. But when the things you do and say to get what you want start to come at the expense of others… well. Everyone you’ve ever met, everything you’ve ever done, everywhere you’ve ever been, every second of your existence has gone into making you the person you are at this very moment in time. Some things have had a positive effect on your life and some things have had a negative effect on your life. All these things together as a whole have gone into shaping your character as a person. Hopefully over time you’ve learned to distinguish between the good and the bad and are using all your experiences to your advantage. It seems the people who are acting mean and cruel towards others just haven’t figured out the differences… yet. Maybe they can't figure the differences out by themselves. Although they may appear to be, I don’t think anyone is pure evil. For whatever reason they just continue to do things to make themselves miserable. For them to feel good or equal, if only for a very short period of time, they may do things to make everyone around them as miserable as they are... and then later wish they could take it all back and may even sometimes try to take it back. I would hate to look back late in life and realize that I had spent a lot of the short period of time I have here being miserable… but it’s happening to a lot more people than you realize. Somebody in your family, somebody you work with, maybe even somebody in the same room with you right now. The saddest part is that a lot of people deny that there is anything wrong and therefore in their minds, nothing needs to be changed. In these cases, there is nothing you can do to help them. It usually takes a crash and burn event for them to realize what’s going on. Sometimes it’s a lifesaver and sometimes that event happens much too late or is much too severe for them to recover from. Always remember that no matter how bad things get for you personally, there is always somebody out there that for whatever reason is more fragile or is hurting much worse than you are. Regardless of where you are in your life right now, think about the other person. No matter how much you want it to be… it’s not always about you.

Depression

As the days go by I feel more and more like I am suffering from some form of depression. I've been fighting this thing for a couple of months now but I guess I finally have to give in and admit to it. I don’t really want to do anything, I don’t really want to be around people. I just want to be by myself. When I do go somewhere or I am around people, although it may seem so, I don’t really enjoy myself anymore. I don’t have fun like I used to. Does this classify me as being depressed? Now before you get all worried and bent out of shape, let’s get something clear… this is not a cry for help and I am not suicidal. The thought has never crossed my mind. The best I can tell from what I’ve read, I am only mild to moderately depressed. I also read that this is a condition that a lot of people, maybe even yourself, will experience at some point in their lifetime. My biggest concern is how did I get here and how do I change it. I’ve spent the biggest part of my life worrying about everybody else. Trying to help everybody out and to be a good friend and to make them happy. But it seems that along the way I forgot about someone… me. What do I want, what makes me happy. Right now I really don’t know the answer, so we’ll have to come back to that. I’ve had some failed relationships over the past several years and they have each one taken away some of my spirit, my confidence and my self–esteem. This last one has really taken the greatest toll so I guess it’s been the final straw of sorts. She basically just stopped talking to me after three years and the only reason she could give me was that she wasn’t happy... nothing else… in an e-mail no less. Now I know that she has her own array of issues, psychological and chemical, but in my mind I had failed at one of the things I thought I was really good at and it really began to bother me. I’d always been able to make people smile, brighten their day or bring them out of a funk just by being me. Looks like it may be time to take a look at being happy myself before I can make anybody else happy. So now I’m back to what do I want and what will help get me back to being me. I guess one of the biggest things I’ve noticed that’s missing from my life is a friend. I haven’t really had one of those in a long time. Oh I know lots of people and have lots of friends, but I don’t have that one particular special friend. I’m not using the term “best friend” on purpose here because from what I’ve seen, it doesn’t seem to mean that much to some people anymore. Lately I’ve seen people change their best friends on a regular basis… weekly if not daily depending on what works best for them at the time. I’ve always had this crazy notion that when I was dating someone or when I got married, that person would be my one special friend. Someone that I could trust and respect that would feel the same way about me. Someone that I could count on to be there when things were tough and would let me be there for them as well. Someone that gave to me just as much as I gave to them. How’s that workin’ out… not very well. Does the problem lie within me… or is everybody else the problem. Maybe I’ve just not met the right person yet… maybe I have and just don’t know it. Does this person I seek even exist. Past experience tells me no but my spirit tells me yes. Hmm… There’s that light at the end of the tunnel I’ve been looking for. Maybe now that I’ve written some of this down, I can think a little clearer and focus on getting things back to how they used to be… back to how I used to be. It was getting way too crowded up in my head. In the end, everybody just wants to be happy and that includes me. But for some people, it will never happen. They are incapable of being happy no matter what their circumstances are. No matter what they have or no matter who they are around. Happiness is not necessarily just a reaction to your environment but it also requires having the right frame of mind. I’ll have to save that topic for another day… I've still got a lot of work to do. It’s all about me this time.