Depression

As the days go by I feel more and more like I am suffering from some form of depression. I've been fighting this thing for a couple of months now but I guess I finally have to give in and admit to it. I don’t really want to do anything, I don’t really want to be around people. I just want to be by myself. When I do go somewhere or I am around people, although it may seem so, I don’t really enjoy myself anymore. I don’t have fun like I used to. Does this classify me as being depressed? Now before you get all worried and bent out of shape, let’s get something clear… this is not a cry for help and I am not suicidal. The thought has never crossed my mind. The best I can tell from what I’ve read, I am only mild to moderately depressed. I also read that this is a condition that a lot of people, maybe even yourself, will experience at some point in their lifetime. My biggest concern is how did I get here and how do I change it. I’ve spent the biggest part of my life worrying about everybody else. Trying to help everybody out and to be a good friend and to make them happy. But it seems that along the way I forgot about someone… me. What do I want, what makes me happy. Right now I really don’t know the answer, so we’ll have to come back to that. I’ve had some failed relationships over the past several years and they have each one taken away some of my spirit, my confidence and my self–esteem. This last one has really taken the greatest toll so I guess it’s been the final straw of sorts. She basically just stopped talking to me after three years and the only reason she could give me was that she wasn’t happy... nothing else… in an e-mail no less. Now I know that she has her own array of issues, psychological and chemical, but in my mind I had failed at one of the things I thought I was really good at and it really began to bother me. I’d always been able to make people smile, brighten their day or bring them out of a funk just by being me. Looks like it may be time to take a look at being happy myself before I can make anybody else happy. So now I’m back to what do I want and what will help get me back to being me. I guess one of the biggest things I’ve noticed that’s missing from my life is a friend. I haven’t really had one of those in a long time. Oh I know lots of people and have lots of friends, but I don’t have that one particular special friend. I’m not using the term “best friend” on purpose here because from what I’ve seen, it doesn’t seem to mean that much to some people anymore. Lately I’ve seen people change their best friends on a regular basis… weekly if not daily depending on what works best for them at the time. I’ve always had this crazy notion that when I was dating someone or when I got married, that person would be my one special friend. Someone that I could trust and respect that would feel the same way about me. Someone that I could count on to be there when things were tough and would let me be there for them as well. Someone that gave to me just as much as I gave to them. How’s that workin’ out… not very well. Does the problem lie within me… or is everybody else the problem. Maybe I’ve just not met the right person yet… maybe I have and just don’t know it. Does this person I seek even exist. Past experience tells me no but my spirit tells me yes. Hmm… There’s that light at the end of the tunnel I’ve been looking for. Maybe now that I’ve written some of this down, I can think a little clearer and focus on getting things back to how they used to be… back to how I used to be. It was getting way too crowded up in my head. In the end, everybody just wants to be happy and that includes me. But for some people, it will never happen. They are incapable of being happy no matter what their circumstances are. No matter what they have or no matter who they are around. Happiness is not necessarily just a reaction to your environment but it also requires having the right frame of mind. I’ll have to save that topic for another day… I've still got a lot of work to do. It’s all about me this time.